I am my own worst enemy because I care so much for others and not enough for myself. Not enough to say "NO" and not enough to turn my cheek on people who could care less. I constantly question what I want from life and who I should allow in and who I should kick out family and friends mean nothing to me when it comes to me getting a better life for myself.
My heart is so big till I constantly trip over it and to know me is to know that I do not speak my mind enough, that I am encased in hindering shell, and I just had a birthday and I feel like I should start over but I find it hard to let people go even if they are not good for me.
I ask myself, What should I do?... Can I really let go and stop helping others?
My answer today is yes and starting from right now I am letting GO!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Here & Now
I have started one of the most depressing jobs in America helping an old lady who is in hospice care in her home. It takes a heck of a person to deal with death especially knowing the person you can grow to love like a parent will be dying soon and you cannot do anything about it. I have been dealing with this same lady for the past week and she is so sweet and easy to love, but how can I remain de-attached when their livelihood depends on your treatment of them?
Here I remain living back at home with my mother in a room with my little sister a pack rat, whom refuses to be neat and clean like a normal person. My little brother is graduating from high school real soon with no definite plans to attend college he remains so diastolic to the idea of moving out and making your own way.
Now I plan on saving money and learning how to be a better adult the next time I decide to move out and plant my own sakes in life.
Here I remain living back at home with my mother in a room with my little sister a pack rat, whom refuses to be neat and clean like a normal person. My little brother is graduating from high school real soon with no definite plans to attend college he remains so diastolic to the idea of moving out and making your own way.
Now I plan on saving money and learning how to be a better adult the next time I decide to move out and plant my own sakes in life.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Re-Wind...A Reflection B4 I Go
Before I leave the wonderfully safe and small Madison, WI for the Summer I want to reflect on what has happen and what I have learned and continue to learn abut myself and others.
First, "U can't trust, U can't trust them, just don't do it" well that pretty much describes the horrific years I have experience while in Mad-town ( great name for such a small spot in the universe). Let's begin with the most interesting topic to women today and that is men
Men: I have dated and been more than just friends with several characters while in Mad-town from college students to petty criminals and through all that I have only been arrested once Whew! I was arrested if you may know for a crime I did not commit and almost arrested for damaging my then lunatic bf apartment and car (he owed me some money and I was gonna take it out of him one way or the other). Then once I became more like these characters and began to use their same tactics on them I escalated to a pimp ( point one for me). I took their money in their own selfish hopes that one day I would return to them with open arms and actually let everyone else go for that one lucky man.
Conclusion from Men: I will never aagin stoop so low in my life were I am willing to accept any type of a man just to say I am taken and wanted. I have grown to love myself more and to careless of who is on my arm, but rather who I allow to be there. I let men know in the door that I am open to new things however, I will not accept bs, liars, stupidity, baby momma drama, and low-lives with nothing going for them.
I am in a very large way a loner basically someone who sticks to be alone so that I will not have to face heartbreak from others. Everyone know if I call you a friend the you should consider yourself lucky to be in my life by not adding anymore additional drama to it. I am a friend to the end and will stick by you forever, but once I am hurt or basically left for dead it's over for us staying as friends.
I once called this female a friend and confided in her alot of my personal thoughts and activities, however down the line she ended up betraying me to my own family by belittling my character then a month or so later she told me I was being petty for holding a grudge against her what a dumb bit*h (oops, but the name fits perfect) I have learned that misery loves company and that she was jealous of my relationship with my mother, my relationship with men, and how everyone loved me...she basically was a leech and I had to get rid of her eventually, I need to live and she damaged everything I was living for.
Conclusion: Friends are people you can trust to not judge you, but they shoud not know all your business. Also true friends will always make sure that you are grounded in reality and not faking to make it, they will bail you out from anything then scold you later. They will know your weaknesses but they will not exploit them for their own selfish gain. A true friend is someone you can consider family even if you don't talk or spend time with them everyday and like my grandma always told and now I am a believer in, " If you can count on one hand how many true friends you have then consider yourself lucky and blessed."
After all men and friends can coexist in one persons life like in mine its simple as don't make the same mistake twice and sometimes it only takes you to re-wind down memory lane to see the inevitable before it happens .
First, "U can't trust, U can't trust them, just don't do it" well that pretty much describes the horrific years I have experience while in Mad-town ( great name for such a small spot in the universe). Let's begin with the most interesting topic to women today and that is men
Men: I have dated and been more than just friends with several characters while in Mad-town from college students to petty criminals and through all that I have only been arrested once Whew! I was arrested if you may know for a crime I did not commit and almost arrested for damaging my then lunatic bf apartment and car (he owed me some money and I was gonna take it out of him one way or the other). Then once I became more like these characters and began to use their same tactics on them I escalated to a pimp ( point one for me). I took their money in their own selfish hopes that one day I would return to them with open arms and actually let everyone else go for that one lucky man.
Conclusion from Men: I will never aagin stoop so low in my life were I am willing to accept any type of a man just to say I am taken and wanted. I have grown to love myself more and to careless of who is on my arm, but rather who I allow to be there. I let men know in the door that I am open to new things however, I will not accept bs, liars, stupidity, baby momma drama, and low-lives with nothing going for them.
I am in a very large way a loner basically someone who sticks to be alone so that I will not have to face heartbreak from others. Everyone know if I call you a friend the you should consider yourself lucky to be in my life by not adding anymore additional drama to it. I am a friend to the end and will stick by you forever, but once I am hurt or basically left for dead it's over for us staying as friends.
I once called this female a friend and confided in her alot of my personal thoughts and activities, however down the line she ended up betraying me to my own family by belittling my character then a month or so later she told me I was being petty for holding a grudge against her what a dumb bit*h (oops, but the name fits perfect) I have learned that misery loves company and that she was jealous of my relationship with my mother, my relationship with men, and how everyone loved me...she basically was a leech and I had to get rid of her eventually, I need to live and she damaged everything I was living for.
Conclusion: Friends are people you can trust to not judge you, but they shoud not know all your business. Also true friends will always make sure that you are grounded in reality and not faking to make it, they will bail you out from anything then scold you later. They will know your weaknesses but they will not exploit them for their own selfish gain. A true friend is someone you can consider family even if you don't talk or spend time with them everyday and like my grandma always told and now I am a believer in, " If you can count on one hand how many true friends you have then consider yourself lucky and blessed."
After all men and friends can coexist in one persons life like in mine its simple as don't make the same mistake twice and sometimes it only takes you to re-wind down memory lane to see the inevitable before it happens .
What Tha...Makes U Want To Curse
I got up early this morning with a strong mind and willpower to move my stuff from my apartment to my summer storage which is actually one of my few friends storage space in her basement .
However, when I call the Stud she announces that she is one her way to Mil-town to pick up her obsessive compulsive overly insecure gf...let it be know that she has been using the kindness of my friend for over a month now (she is bisexual which my friend doesn't know, also talks to men on the lowwww)
What tha place down below ( I am working on my cursing since I known to let it out without a care for who or what it hurts in the process) would convince her to leave without giving me the key to the space so that I can continue moving my belongings to their rightful place. I have to be out of my apartment by 4pm this afternoon and my TIME is valuable and will not be wasted by another person who is in a sexual withdrawal and trying to make a crazed relationship work that has a 62 mile distance in between it.
I am pissed off at the least maybe I need anger-management to control how I express myself but if you are in the type of bind that I am in then you would know that I repress almost most of my feelings that I feel about other people from them except my family and my future husband
Damn ( Oops!) I let one go she needs to hurry or maybe I should drag myself when it is time to do something for her let you know how this goes later today
However, when I call the Stud she announces that she is one her way to Mil-town to pick up her obsessive compulsive overly insecure gf...let it be know that she has been using the kindness of my friend for over a month now (she is bisexual which my friend doesn't know, also talks to men on the lowwww)
What tha place down below ( I am working on my cursing since I known to let it out without a care for who or what it hurts in the process) would convince her to leave without giving me the key to the space so that I can continue moving my belongings to their rightful place. I have to be out of my apartment by 4pm this afternoon and my TIME is valuable and will not be wasted by another person who is in a sexual withdrawal and trying to make a crazed relationship work that has a 62 mile distance in between it.
I am pissed off at the least maybe I need anger-management to control how I express myself but if you are in the type of bind that I am in then you would know that I repress almost most of my feelings that I feel about other people from them except my family and my future husband
Damn ( Oops!) I let one go she needs to hurry or maybe I should drag myself when it is time to do something for her let you know how this goes later today
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Moving Ugh
An Amateur approached a new way to express herself and save trees. I am new at typing how I feel and allowing the universe to view and comment on my personal effects, but hey no one person is perfect and you better believe that how I feel is how I feel. My friends call me blunt and my boyfriend just wants me to sometimes keep quiet about others affairs, but while your in my house my opinion will be heard. Going to Chicago for the Summer haven't spent the entire summer in my hometown since 2005 when I went away to college, but desperate times call for desperate measures like moving back into my mother's home...
My mother is one of judgment and high regard for how she thinks people should live especially her children like all mother's she thinks her contribution to my life should just be followed instead of question because in her own words "I have been there and done that," Whatever!
My mother is one of judgment and high regard for how she thinks people should live especially her children like all mother's she thinks her contribution to my life should just be followed instead of question because in her own words "I have been there and done that," Whatever!
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